


Murder and The Accidental Kindness

by Ghost_Kaiju



Series: Requests and Gifts [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Naruto Secret Santa 2017, hidan swears a lot like usual, kakuzu is in denial like always, kakuzu threatens a lot... like usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 02:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13136928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Kaiju/pseuds/Ghost_Kaiju
Summary: It's the Winter Solstice and the zombie combo take advantage of the celebrations to spend the night in a warm inn. A crowd of festive travelers fills the inn, all expecting tonight's main event: The Midnight Feast.Hidan knows no one will notice if one person goes missing in such a crowd and he's been itching for a sacrifice. Unfortunately, his victim happens to be the only person whose absence will be noticed by all: the cook in charge of the feast.





	Murder and The Accidental Kindness

“I don't give a flying shit if we're in snakefucker's weird-ass country! I need to do a ritual and you fucking promised me one after we'd be done with this boring mission, and here we are, balls-deep in snow, with a mission that's FUCKING DONE.”

 

Kakuzu sighing in frustration, turned around to face the walking migraine that he was partnered with. “One of these days -”

 

“Yeah yeah, you’ll ki-”

 

“I’ll _tear_ you open and use you as a sleeping bag.”

 

It would always brighten Hidan’s mood when Kakuzu got creative with threats during arguments.

 

“Well if you want to get so deep inside me you could start by buying me dinner. _Tch_! I’m a fucking _romantic,_ you know.”  Hidan gave his best smartass smirk-and-wink combo, the one that always got under Kakuzu’s skin. 

 

Kakuzu's patience was almost non-existent at this point. The only thing stopping him from snapping back at Hidan's comment was the knowledge that this would escalate into a full-blown fight; Hidan would get dismembered somehow (probably on purpose) and Kakuzu would have no choice but to stitch him up while listening to more screaming about boredom and serving false gods and sacrifices (definitely on purpose). He was starting to get a headache from clenching his jaw at the thought of Hidan getting preachy while he got stuck with the stitching job. Again.

Hidan and his damn shit-eating grin did have a point though: the mission was a success, they were indeed balls-deep in the snow and had been walking southward since dawn. Even their heavy winter cloaks weren’t enough to handle this winter’s cold.  They could use a warm place to rest. Or real food.

Being the day of the Winter Solstice meant that inns were full of festive travelers. They’d be able to go unnoticed in a crowd full of drunks louder than his own obnoxious partner. Kakuzu had long learned how to tune-out noise that wasn’t meant for him directly; strangers’ celebrations wouldn’t bother him nearly as much as Hidan’s complains could.

A few hours to the West was Takigakure and – No. Noooo. **No.**

To the East was “Yuga- _fucking_ -gakure”  but no one in their right mind would enter Yugakure with Hidan in tow, it was a recipe for disaster and the result would be _the entire village gets slaughtered and that attracts attention._

There was notes on their map about a small farming village not so far from where they were.

 

“There's a small town about an hour away. If you keep your mouth shut while we get to it, I'll get us rooms and meals at an inn, deal?”

 

“Aaww, Kakuzu-chaaan, I didn’t thought you’d take me up on my dinner invitation!” Hidan's smirk got even more irritating than ever.

 

After a short staring contest and radiating murderous intent hoping Hidan would drop dead from it, Kakuzu broke eye contact and pointed to his right “Shut up. Start walking.” This didn't sound like a suggestion.

 

“Well fuck me sideways in a ditch with my own scythe, you _are_ fucking serious! I'm getting the better end of this deal anyways so let's fucking go!”

 

Kakuzu blocked out the mental images that came with the ‘fuck me’ part, but ‘with my own scythe’ brought nice thoughts of Hidan finally _shutting the fuck up_ due to having a red pole lodged firmly through his body and sticking out of his throat.

Hidan started walking but he had no idea where he was going. Pausing and keeping his mouth shut as per the deal’s conditions, he leaned into a mocking reverence that meant _after you, Your Majestic Ancient Fuckass-chan who owes me a decent meal and a nice room for my efforts._

Kakuzu knew Hidan’s body language way too well so he somewhat understood the message and realized that Hidan did, in fact, get the better end of this deal after all.

 

\--*-*-*--

 

An hour of blissful silence had gone by and the small town’s lights were finally in their line of sight.

The Land of Sound, or as Hidan called it “the dump where pathetic rejects go to serve a human-shaped shitbag”, was frequently host to Konoha shinobi patrols for the past couple years since Orochimaru’s failed coup.

This town was no exception and both Hidan and Kakuzu, while knowing they could take on everyone within a 100 miles radius at once and win in a heartbeat, kept a low profile. All it would take is one runaway to escape and expose the Akatsuki’s presence in this country to both Konohagakure and Orochimaru.

Neither of them particularly cared all that much about the Akatsuki’s goals, but Kakuzu liked the structure and the web of information on bounties that it brought him. Hidan, in his quest to recruit servants for Jashin, found that presenting himself as part of an organization got him taken more seriously than wandering on his own as a zealous preacher. He even converted someone _once_ by framing the Akatsuki as Jashin’s cult and himself as the leader. It was the one time that Kakuzu actually went along with his plan under hopes of extorting money from converts.

And so they had the silent agreement of keeping the Akatsuki’s activities out of the spotlight as a priority. Well, as much as they could.

They had made their way through the woods rather than the main road and as they were nearing where the forest meets backyards, Hidan figured his end of the bargain had been met.

 

“Fucking finally!” He closed the space between Kakuzu and himself to whisper about needing to slaughter-n-pray _right fucking now._ They hadn’t been spotted by anyone yet so it seemed like the perfect moment to do the good old _Murder Time and Burn The Corpse_ routine.  Or even call on Zetsu to dispose of the body in a more subtle - but kinda gross - manner.

 

Kakuzu, like usual, simply rolled his eyes and shook his head at this nonsense.

 

“Fine!” He had a simple answer in a snappy tone, because Kakuzu had made a promise and keeping it would be less troublesome than trying to get Hidan to let go “If you have a shorter version of your ridiculous ritual, tonight would be a good time to use it.”

 

“Ooh bless all your shitty hearts for your generosity, you fucking godless asshole.”

 

Hidan took the lead and headed for the town. He favored slow and dramatic rituals where his victim’s last words would be about the pain, taking his time to taste their fear and life draining away. He’d settle for a quick death for tonight. It was mostly the prayer afterwards that was important.

They kept to dim-lit areas and alleys. It was a game of lurking in the shadows, sneaking between houses and running through backyards. In a stroke of luck, there was one such yard where a man was out enjoying a smoke break, alone.

And he hadn’t seen them lurking nearby in the shadows.

Hidan took one of his spikes and cut deep inside his palm, spun around and made a semi-decent circle in the snow. Some more arm flailing and a triangle was done. Ready to go, he pointed at the man while looking at Kakuzu. Hidan’s look was met with a cold stare and a raised eyebrow.

Still keeping quiet, Hidan made wavy and wiggly gestures with his arms. Anyone other than him would be dead four times over just from Kakuzu’s glare. Hidan put his palm together in a prayer-like pose and gave his _nicest_ smile.

If body language could have a direct translation, their silent conversation went somewhat like this:

 

_“Kakuzuuuu. Go!”_

 

_“What the hell do you want? Did you forget how to kill someone?”_

 

_“C’mon reel that fucker in so I can do my thing.”_

 

_“I could eviscerate you right now and scatter your bits in the forest . Stop wriggling like a petulant child, he’s your kill after all.”_

 

_“Pretty please? I’ll be very quick.”_

 

With a defeated sigh, Kakuzu took a couple steps forward.

The man threw what was left of his cigarette in the snow and was heading towards the back door when dark threads behind him filled his vision on each side. They wrapped around his face and kept his mouth shut. He was suddenly yanked backwards and landed heavily in the snow, out of breath and struggling to get rid of whatever was wrapped around his head.

A sharp prick to the hand, then a sharper laugh and a stab later and everything went black.

Kakuzu was trying to ignore Hidan’s moans and grunts by focusing on searching the body for anything useful. He rarely scavenged their opponents for chump change or trinkets but he really needed the distraction to help soothe his mood. What he found did the opposite.

There was a letter in his coat’s pocket. A business proposal from the local inn.

And a contract. A catering contract: they had killed the cook hired specially for tonight’s holiday feast that dozens of patrons were looking forward to. Said patrons included a Konoha elite patrol or two.

The _one_ person in this entire little shithole of a village whose absence would be noticed right away was now dead at his feet.

Unfortunately, every course of action that Kakuzu could think of, from complete carnage to leaving now as fast as they could, ended in bringing attention to the Akatsuki. Anything vaguely murder-y happening in the Land of Sound was considered a sign of Orochimaru’s second coming. He could definitely be petty enough to kill the cook to ruin everyone’s holiday and the other two Sannins would jump on that trail.

Hidan, laying in the snow, black and white and red all over, was finally in the silent trance part of his ritual.

Silence. This was a small blessing. Kakuzu really needed to think about tonight’s plans which now _did_ include scattering Hidan’s bits in the forest as an option. He wondered if he really needed the Akatsuki and for the first time in years considered going back to his old ways.

All his hearts screamed _purge this town_ but his mind said _fix this mess._ He felt something vague about loyalty and partnership but he wasn’t going to pay attention to any of this.

Kakuzu’s usual anger management methods were loud and violent but this time he had to cool down without making noise. Sitting down in the snow next to the body, he was trying his best to collect himself so he could contact Zetsu without flaring up his chakra. Calm should come first, then figure something out.

 

\--*-*-*--

 

Hidan’ skeletal look had faded and as he was twisting the spike out of his chest, noticed Kakuzu sitting nearby, staring at him.

 

“Tch, ugh! I’m pretty sure I took even less time than usual so why do you look so pissy?”

 

Kakuzu looked at the dead body “this is the inn’s cook-” his voice was low and calm, but it was the scary kind of calmness  “...and people are already looking for him”.

 

“So-fucking-what? Even if they find his body it’s not like they have proof or anything and even then we can take on any - “ Hidan was about to say _any ANBU squads they dispatch_ when he realized the implications of having investigative squads doing their actual jobs rather than just waiting for mysterious fuckery to happen.

 

The big villages and their ANBU had the habit of mostly focusing on each other like bratty siblings and that’s something the Akatsuki had used to their advantage for years.

They remained silent for a few minutes, looking at the corpse, both equally _fucking_ _done_ with having to deal with Pein’s orders of subtlety. Just like Kakuzu earlier on, the only options Hidan could think of all ended with being in the spotlight. Except one.

Hidan really wasn’t the best at seeing the big picture but he was more clever than expected and could figure shit out if you gave him enough pieces of the puzzle. You don’t get to avoid being caught and sealed away just by being immortal, or as he put it, an “elite badass with divine blessings”. Some situations you can’t just slaughter your way out of.

 

“We take his place. For the night. Then we fucking bail.” Hidan said but couldn’t actually believe he did.

 

Kakuzu looked at him like he was deeply offended to his very core. The offended look became a confused frown which in turn became a look of _are we actually considering this?_

Hidan just shot a look and a shrug that meant _I hate it as much as you do but_ _you know that’s the best plan we got._

They both looked at the corpse again, got up to their feet and started hiding the traces of the killing. Hidan kicked some snow over the many blood splatters while Kakuzu dug a small hole to dump the body and cover it. Kakuzu figured that Zetsu would be showing up soon, so there wasn’t much need to properly hide the body or destroy it. Just keeping it out of sight would be enough until then.

They hurried towards the house, which happened to be the local inn, and got through the backdoor that lead to the kitchen.

 

“Okay okay holy shit, what now?” Hidan, even though it was his plan, had no idea what to do from there.

 

“Cloaks off. Headbands too.”

 

The red cloud pattern and the scratched out village symbols might be details people would remember if asked about unusual strangers, so they hid those in an half-empty cupboard. As Kakuzu closed the cupboard’s door, the door leading to the main hallway opened. Kakuzu, Hidan and a very surprised innkeeper were in a silent standoff, all staring at each other. Hidan looked half-confused and half-ready to kill the man, but killing a man was why they were in this situation to begin with.

Before the innkeeper could ask who the hell they were and why they were in his kitchen, Kakuzu made the first move.

 

“You must be Kentaro, has Masao explained the situation?”

 

Kakuzu remembered both the owner and the cook’s names from the contract; he had read it several times as a way to coax his anger down. He usually didn’t pay attention nor bothered remembering _anyone_ ’s name unless a hefty price tag was attached to it.

He still very much wished he could just snap this man’s neck, beat the shit out of Hidan and leave this place. After tonight, Pein would absolutely be in his debt for all the efforts he was making to keep everything from becoming a damn clusterfuck.

 

“What situation? And who are you? ” The innkeeper was on his guard, especially since the man talking to him was covered in stitches but then again, he’d seen enough weird-looking travelers that he didn’t care to focus on that. Also he didn’t want to risk agitating someone who looked like he could rip him in half.

 

“We will be tonight’s cooks. We only cater to nobility but we are Masao’s gift to your establishment. We’re doing both of you a once-in-a-lifetime favor.”

 

One thing that Kakuzu had learned that was guaranteed to work in business talks was to make people think that you’re doing _them_ a favor just by being there.

It worked. The inn’s owner appeared flattered that elite cooks had accepted to work here for a night. He also knew that this Masao he had hired had a tendency to transfer contracts to other cooks at the last minute. It all made sense to him so far. 

But then, the man shot a glance at Hidan then back to Kakuzu “- but why is he shirtless? Shouldn’t a cook be... fully clothed?”

 

“Well, the _art_ of cooking is complex... you might not understand its... intricacies” Kakuzu’s tone was duller and slower than usual  “ - it’s more about creation...the process... rather than simply food itself.”

 

Kakuzu sounded exactly like a patronizing artist talking about his methods and that made Hidan think of Sasori right away. In fact, he was _sure_ that Kakuzu was trying his best to act like Sasori when he needed to escape small talk: bore people into leaving on their own by going technical in the slowest, most condescending way possible. Which in turn he took that as his cue to take a page out of Deidara’s book and bring on dazzling enthusiasm that bordered on melodrama.

 

“ _Excuuuse me?_ ” Hidan’s voice was louder than needed as he glared at the innkeeper and held a hand flat to his chest.

 

“My cooking is an artful _experience_! My recipes will shatter your senses and fucking rattle your very soul! I have a fucking method and if you don’t like it you can _fuck right off_ and I’ll be leaving your miserable tavern!”

 

Kakuzu was relieved that Hidan followed his lead in a way that would make anyone back off with the questioning. He was a bit amused at his performance too but it's not like Hidan needed to know that Kakuzu could sometimes have a positive opinion of him.

The innkeeper had never met actual artists nor professional cooks in his entire life and always dealt with people that could barely fix something without setting themselves on fire. He told himself to give them their space without hurting their culinary artistic sensibilities.

 

“I - I apologize. Please, the kitchen is all yours to use as you please.” This was the most polite he’s ever had to be and with that said, left the kitchen to his newly hired chefs.

 

\--*-*-*-- 

They had been silent for a few minutes while looking in every pantry, cupboard and the cold storage to see what they could work with. If they were going to cook anyways, they figured they might as well do the bare minimum and try to deliver something at least half-decent before making a run for it.

 

“What the ever-loving-fuck now?” Hidan didn’t knew where to start. He knew he could cook up a mean steak but he was at a loss for everything else.

 

Kakuzu on the other hand hadn’t cooked a proper meal in ages and all he knew were recipes and methods from his youth, pre- _everything_.

 

“Just... cook what you know how” he said with a shrug. Both standing there in an inn’s kitchen and half-committed to _actually cooking_ felt surreal enough that they didn’t want to appear like they were taking this seriously.

 

To Hidan, _cooking what you know how_ meant grilling meat. They had a few hours left before midnight - the traditional time to start serving the feast - so he figured that he could just dump spices in water and soy sauce and marinate everything. He dumped some brown sugar in one of the sauces hoping it would be gross. Then he’d pan-fry or grill everything right before serving.

He also thought about how all missions from Yugakure’s Shinobi Academy were peaceful low-rank community work and a lot of them involved tourist-friendly restaurants, inns and taverns. He had to help a baker once. Throw flour, sugar, chocolate, cream and butter together and... _something something? What the fuck was it?_ He decided that the _something something_ would be chili and pink peppercorn because he liked spicy shit and if he could ruin the dessert for everyone it would be fucking great.

During the Warring States Era, unlike nowadays, people didn’t have the luxury of throwing away parts of the animals they didn’t want to eat. So Kakuzu took care of livers, kidneys, lungs and hearts. Cut up in very thin slices, covered in a simple mix of flour, salt and pepper then flash-seared in a pan. Half of the liver slices he left raw with some vinegar and brown sugar glaze because damn it, if he was cooking he might as well make something he liked.

Hidan tried to ruin his recipes for others, Kakuzu was cooking with just himself in mind.

Vegetables were plain, either boiled or steamed because neither of them knew how to prepare these in any other way.

They weren't talking much other than the occasional “get the fuck out of my way”. Talking made this situation feel more real than it needed to be.

Near the end, Hidan had managed to stop all the grease fires he had started and Kakuzu had only punched the wall three times. 

 

\--*-*-*-- 

 

Once midnight was finally upon them, the innkeeper came to take a look in the kitchen. Pretty much everything was ready to roll out.

 

“Sirs... chefs? Misters? I have my two barkeeps ready to start serving the meals, and must I say -”

 

Hidan had crept up besides him, leaned forward and in a raspy whisper said “eat my meat”, which sounded like both an invitation to fuck off or to meet him later for a good time. When finally making eye contact, Hidan was giving his widest, toothiest smile and winked. To the innkeeper, the smile looked like _warning_ but the wink was more like _flirting_.

Hidan actually simply meant it as _c'mon eat the ribs they're fucking good_ but some people read between the lines way too much.

Strangely confused, the man decided to shut up, eat what Hidan was offering him and just nod silently before backing out of the kitchen. And drink a lot more.

But holy hell was that sample of the meal amazing. The innkeeper thanked whatever gods were watching upon him because tonight would be a night to remember for ages.

 

\--*-*-*--

 

While the patrons were celebrating, Kakuzu and Hidan took a moment to eat and one of the barkeeps had brought them a bottle of sake. Hidan chowed down on everything except the veggies and Kakuzu enjoyed his plate of liver.

Kakuzu was musing about how Pein owed them for their efforts when he realized that no, no one should know about tonight.

 

“Hidan -”

 

“Hnmwat?” Hidan was eating as much food as three people could at the same time.

 

“If Pein and Konan were to know of tonight, they'd demand that we put that much efforts into laying low in _every_ missions.”

 

Hidan, chewing his mouthful of steak, didn't gave a shit about Pein's expectations and knew that Kakuzu didn't care much either. Konan though, they had respect for her and figured they couldn't disobey orders if they were never made in the first place.

 

“I’m not gonna talk about tonight if you don’t.” said Hidan before taking a huge sip of sake.

 

“Deal.”

 

“Tonight was fucking great though!” another sip of sake “ - cooking for others sucked ass but I got to do a mandatory and _super symbolic_ sacrifice because it's -”

 

“- the shortest day of the year, darkness, death of the land and all that” Kakuzu said for him. Hidan was smiling thinking that they were finally having a proper Jashinist talk “- so could you make this conversation the shortest of the year? It'd be _symbolic_.”

 

“Aww fuck you too! Here I thought we were having a moment.”

 

“We were. A very short one to match the day.”

 

Hidan noticed the very faint smirk on Kakuzu's face and tonight was as good as it could get. Good food, good sake, snarky banter that was more about making fun of each other rather than fighting. He poured some more sake in each of their cups and lifted his own towards Kakuzu “- c'mon, to not doing this shit ever again and only taking missions where we can get away with carnage!”

Kakuzu raised his cup and gently tapped it on Hidan's “- to hoping everyone gets food poisoning somehow”.

They finished eating in silence as fast as they could.

After their meal, they took turns napping while the other stayed awake to yell at the innkeeper or barkeeps to get the fuck out of the kitchen if they showed up. 

Before dawn they picked up their gear, grabbed some food for the road and went out the backdoor. Zetsu had already passed by as the body of the cook was gone and as most people in this town were asleep or blacked-out drunk, Kakuzu and Hidan were gone.

 

\--*-*-*--

 

In the following day, tales of the feast were heard. People talked about how this rickety inn, full of poor and downtrodden patrons, had been served the most glorious meals fit for royalty.

They talked of the tender meats and the rich, delightfully exotic dessert that they could have never afforded. The older folks told of meals that they hadn’t had since their childhood days. Recipes lost before the Second Shinobi War had made a comeback for one night. Forgotten comfort foods had been tasted again after _decades_.

They told of the cooks who disappeared into the night afterwards. Personal tales of men became legends of spirits. Legends of nurturing, kind and generous spirits of holiday festivity. Bringing abundance to the weak and forgotten.

Kakuzu and Hidan were _completely disgusted_ by these tales, they would take that secret with them to Hell and were half-tempted to return to the inn and obliterate it.

They would rather die at a toddler’s hands than admit that they were the _nurturing, kind and generous spirits of holiday festivity_ that soothed many people’s lives that night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of the Naruto Secret Santa for horrorcat!


End file.
